If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
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The new Ring movie looks terrifying
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalape帽o business.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i鈥檓 gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 馃槒”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
This coyote won鈥檛 let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Is it just me or does everything cost like we鈥檙e shopping in an airport now?
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 馃槀
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once