I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
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ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone