Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
You Might Also Like
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
the simulation is moving too fast
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
do what now??
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.