Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
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They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”