Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
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Ironic
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I bet
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly