Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
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The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.