MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
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Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.