Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
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me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I enjoy a good short stor