squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
You Might Also Like
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days