squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.


Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans


Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…


Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it


Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z


Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.


ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*


I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on


BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright