Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
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Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.