We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
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[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
having children is a pyramid scheme.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.