I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
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We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
(Gaming support cat.)
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now