me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
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Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?