*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
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My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.