Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
![]()
You Might Also Like
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.