Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.