Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
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Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
You can’t rush stupid.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37