For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
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Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.