Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
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“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes