[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
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A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
get you a girl who
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe