*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
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“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Rt to bother an English speaker
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
How about I get 100% off by already being there
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐