I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
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My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.