My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
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Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
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A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?