Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
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BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
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if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.