The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
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Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.