Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
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“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.