If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
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My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I just ran a .003048K
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married