The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
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It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.