I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
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Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.