*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.