*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
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I found your tweet-up…
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I feel this so hard
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*