If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
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You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?