“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
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Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Nomnomnomnom
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.