Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
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Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Customer is always right
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
we all know this pain all too well
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.