me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
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(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
my name if I was in the mob
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”