Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
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Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
HOW DARE YOU
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.