I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
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Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
#MeanwhileInCanada
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”