How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
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You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.