Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
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[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
True statement👍😏😁
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Overindulged this afternoon.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
How actors in movies eat their food
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
*limbos under the caution tape
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it