Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
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My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
*serious situation*
My brain:
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There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Clients after you give them your rates
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People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.