here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
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friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Dune (2021)