Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
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2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!