I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
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This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.