My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
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Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.