My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
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[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.