I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
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Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”