me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
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What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
no one likes gloating
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
IT’S-A ME,
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho