Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
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I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.