I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
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*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
This made me chuckle.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
stop
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home