[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
You Might Also Like
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.