[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
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Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
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“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
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DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.