Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!