Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
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When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not