I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
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[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single